A Conversation with Myself

("Wilderness Contradiction" by Aisyah Ang)


I'm not meant to be here. Now.
I'm not doing what I want to do.


Rewatching 六樓后座 , Truth Or Dare: 6th Floor Rear Flat (2003), I find myself to be in the same situation as Wing (周俊偉 ); he doesn't want to go back to the States to finish school because he has found music as his passion and wants to do it NOW. But his mom said it's irresponsible of him if he quits school at this moment; he has always been spontaneous in his life, and his mom fears that he isn't all that serious about making music. As for me, I feel exhausted in the thought of having one more year here. And I want to start making films now! I wish I had done more art or literature for my undergrad study. How did I get into science in the beginning?

After reading 黄真真's interview, I'm scared to become a director. She said that she never tells her producers about her script, but only what they want to hear. Does that mean I have to become a "well-rounded" person to get what I want in life? OMG.....but I'm the type where my inner emotions are written all over my face. There's no hiding of my feelings to anyone; they are blatant because that's how I communicate, not with words but with flooding emotions. Aside from that, she mentioned how the Hong Kong films that get large fundings are the ones with big stars (not good actors/actresses, necessarily), so I would be forced to make comprises. (But I'm an extreme person........) I would be poor. (How will I support my family...or even myself) But, at least I would be doing what I love..........l-o-v-e?

Joanne, why are you self-doubting yourself? What do you love doing the most?
I love to help people. I love to help the needed ones, the marginalized, the poor, the underrepresented, the sad, the sick, the old, the depressed............

Can you do that with films?
Social change. Telling people what they don't know. Addressing issues that need to be changed.

Are films that powerful?
They can't directly change the conditions of the people, but they have to ability to empower others to help and be a voice for those who are underrepresented. And I can express my thoughts and opinions and hopefully encourage others to reflect upon our society, the way we live, and how we interact with each other as human beings.